So, after my latest “development” I have decided there should be an infertility bingo game. So far my squares for 1st IVF, multiple IVFs, 1st FET, an HSC, BFNs, BFPs and miscarriages are filled, but now I can fill in my chemical pregnancy square, too. I better be close to calling “BINGO” soon!
I went back 3 days after my first beta and my HCG had dropped to 16. Chemical pregnancy. While disappointing, although not entirely a surprise, oddly, there was a sense of relief. I am sorry if that sounds cold or crass, but I don’t think I could have gone through the waiting for the ultrasounds that would lead to disappointment, then waiting for the miscarriage and getting my cycle back to normal before we could start the donor process again.
While I had that small sense of relief, I was angry and now I am realizing that I am grieving this loss, too. I am unmotivated, have little energy and feel lost. This whole journey feels like one disappointment after another, actually, it is wait, wait, disappointment, then more waiting before the next disappointment.
To add to the pain, we are now waiting even longer to start the process. The donor we chose was also chosen by another couple, however we were going to be able to squeeze our cycle in first because they had to have surgery. Now that I had the chemical pregnancy and we have to wait for my cycle to get back to normal, the other couple is ready to go. So, it is only fair that they go first now since we had jumped in front of them in line. Initially we were told it would be late May/early June, which I was OK with me, I could deal with that timeline. It now turns out it will be late June/early July – I know it is only one more month, but it was a jolt. It made me reconsider our chosen donor, I needed to decide what was more important, using the donor we chose or going through the cycle sooner? It really threw me. I spent an hour talking to my therapist about it, I spent an hour talking to C about it, then sat and reviewed the profiles of our top two picks then meditated 15 minutes. I decided we should wait and use our original choice. So, it’s back to the waiting game and hoping the next square I get to fill in on the bingo card is “healthy baby” – that’s when I will scream “BINGO” from the rooftops.
P.S. Sorry this post is all over the place – bear with me as I work through all of this.