Reflecting

Three years ago last month, C and I were married.  I was looking at one of our wedding pictures, it was one of the best days of my life.  The twists and turns our lives take are amazing.  Do you ever end up where you think you will?  I thought I would be married long before the age of 36, but so glad I waited for the right man.  I thought I would have figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up long before the age of 38, but I think I am finally getting that on track.  I always wanted to be a mom of three, now I feel like I will be lucky if I even get one.

I am not giving up on any of my dreams, but it is hard not to get discouraged from time to time.  For the most part I am doing better about the failed IVF, but there are days when it is tough.  Days when I feel very sorry for myself, days when I feel like we will never get to the next IVF, days when I think I will never be pregnant and days when I think maybe I am not meant to be a mom.  One of the things that scares me the most is how quickly time goes by.  From the time we found out IVF was our only option to the time we actually started the cycle was eight months; and before that, from the time we found out C had male fertility issues until he had the surgery that was supposed to help, a lot of time passed.  We get busy, life keeps moving at break-neck speeds, yet we are moving at a snail’s pace on the fertility path.  I am afraid six months will have gone by at the blink of an eye and we will be no closer to starting our next cycle than we are now.  I need to do a better job of staying on top of it so that doesn’t happen.

That leads me to my next topic, obsession!  In going through the cycle I became obsessed with our story and treatment, other’s stories and treatments, it was all IVF all the time!  This is completely understandable and I don’t regret focusing on it that much.  I think it is only natural, a baby is something you desire so greatly and when you have to work so hard to get the baby, of course you are going to give it that much attention.  I talked about it with C all the time; whether it was what was going on with us or relaying information from the blogs I was reading.  But over the last few weeks, I have moved my focus completely away from it.  I actually started this post three (almost four) weeks ago, it had been a particularly low day and I thought it would be good to get those feelings out.  I got stuck writing.  Periodically over the next few days I would come back to the post, but just didn’t have it in me to write.  I also didn’t have it in me to read others blogs, even though their experiences, words and support mean so much to me.  As more days passed, I found myself focusing less and less on the infertility and I started to feel better.  I don’t think I realized how much I needed to step away as much as I did.  I don’t think I gave myself enough time initially to heal and that is a necessary part of the grief.  Of course I still think about the IVF and our next steps, but it was nice to not be giving it 100% of my energy for a while.

So now, I am back and will work hard at finding a balance.  Please forgive my absence in both writing my own and responding to your blogs.  I hope I haven’t lost you, because I know I would not have gotten through this experience thus far without you and know I will value you as we move forward.  Please know that my lack of comments recently on your blogs in no way reflects how I feel about you and how much I still support you and wish you all the best.  Hoping to be welcomed back with open arms.

J

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8 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Myndi said,

    Are you kidding me? I’ve been waiting for you! Of course, I understand needing a break and totally respect you for realizing what you needed to do for your own peace of mind and doing it. But I have missed you. You won’t find me going anywhere. 🙂

    • 2

      Thank you!! It feels good to be back. I have caught up on your blog, I am glad Thanksgiving went well and that Niblet is doing great! It is really quite exciting! Can’t wait to hear how you are progressing. I have missed you, too!

  2. 3

    sonja said,

    You don’t need to be welcomed back — you’re ALWAYS welcome. Don’t feel bad for taking a break from blogging. After my first IVF failed so miserably I was so sad and I just needed time to heal, so I definitely slowed down on my blogging. This space is for you to use in the most helpful/healing way possible, and if that means it’s only occasionally or only when actively cycling then that’s how it is. We will all be here for you no matter what.

    I am glad you’re doing a little better … I missed you!

    • 4

      Thank you so much! I owe you a huge CONGRATULATIONS!! I am thrilled for you! I am sorry I missed the big news when it happened. I can’t wait to hear how the first u/s goes! I am happy to be back and didn’t realize how much you were missed until I got these wonderful comments from you.
      So excited for you!!

  3. 5

    Hope Springs said,

    I’m so glad you’re back and starting to look forward – I’ve missed you, although I understood your need to take a break from blogging. DH and I went away on holiday after our IVF failed, and it was great just to relax totally and not think about infertility and treatments while we were gone.

    Looking forward to seeing you around a bit more again – whenever you’re ready, and in whatever form you’re comfortable with.

    • 6

      Thanks, I missed you too. I agree about the time away, I flew to New York City to surprise my husband on our anniversary and even though it was a short trip, it felt wonderful. It was great to have a change of scenery and it is really what made me realize that I needed to step away for a time. Happy to be back now, though! And I am praying for you in this cycle.

  4. 7

    egghunt said,

    Welcome back!!!!!!! We missed you. But its great that you took some time out for YOU. You’re the important one here!
    Infertility is a horrible ugly road and everyone has to find their own way down it in a way that suits them and having some ‘time out’ can definately help you get some perspective. But that aside, I’m glad you’re back to blog world, i’ve been checking in on your often to see if there is any news!!
    🙂


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