Archive for Donor Eggs

Infertility Bingo

So, after my latest “development” I have decided there should be an infertility bingo game.  So far my squares for 1st IVF, multiple IVFs, 1st FET, an HSC, BFNs, BFPs and miscarriages are filled, but now I can fill in my chemical pregnancy square, too.  I better be close to calling “BINGO” soon!

I went back 3 days after my first beta and my HCG had dropped to 16.  Chemical pregnancy.  While disappointing, although not entirely a surprise, oddly, there was a sense of relief.  I am sorry if that sounds cold or crass, but I don’t think I could have gone through the waiting for the ultrasounds that would lead to disappointment, then waiting for the miscarriage and getting my cycle back to normal before we could start the donor process again.

While I had that small sense of relief, I was angry and now I am realizing that I am grieving this loss, too.  I am unmotivated, have little energy and feel lost.  This whole journey feels like one disappointment after another, actually, it is wait, wait, disappointment, then more waiting before the next disappointment.

To add to the pain, we are now waiting even longer to start the process.  The donor we chose was also chosen by another couple, however we were going to be able to squeeze our cycle in first because they had to have surgery.  Now that I had the chemical pregnancy and we have to wait for my cycle to get back to normal, the other couple is ready to go.  So, it is only fair that they go first now since we had jumped in front of them in line.  Initially we were told it would be late May/early June, which I was OK with me, I could deal with that timeline.  It now turns out it will be late June/early July – I know it is only one more month, but it was a jolt.  It made me reconsider our chosen donor, I needed to decide what was more important, using the donor we chose or going through the cycle sooner?  It really threw me.  I spent an hour talking to my therapist about it, I spent an hour talking to C about it, then sat and reviewed the profiles of our top two picks then meditated 15 minutes.  I decided we should wait and use our original choice.  So, it’s back to the waiting game and hoping the next square I get to fill in on the bingo card is “healthy baby” – that’s when I will scream “BINGO” from the rooftops.

P.S.  Sorry this post is all over the place – bear with me as I work through all of this.

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Life is an insufferable b*$#h!

In the midst of choosing our donor and getting the procedures scheduled, we started planning a trip to Hawaii.  We had planned to go later in the year, hopefully when I was in my second trimester.  My husband’s coworker, who also struggled with his wife to get pregnant, started telling him horror stories about traveling with a potential high risk pregnancy; their doctor told them not to do it.  So, that scared my husband into reconsidering the trip.  We figured it was take our chances, go now or don’t go at all.  We decided to go now.  We quickly booked flights and the hotel for three weeks from then, just before I would have to start my injections.  Yea!

That was a little more than two weeks ago.  Fast forward to last week, I was going back and forth with the clinic getting things organized and making sure the meds would get ordered so they were here when we got back.  My nurse sent me an email last Friday saying she had placed the order and we should touch base on Sunday – I was very excited.  Strangely, since my miscarriages my cycle has been very regular, 28 days, no matter what, so I was expecting my period on Sunday (Monday at the very latest).  I figured I would call my nurse on Sunday morning to let her know my cycle had started and talk about the medication schedule.  I woke up on Sunday without my period, a little strange since it usually comes first thing in the morning.  I was so impatient for it to start this time – so just to rule it out I took a home pregnancy test (I didn’t think I could be pregnant).  I got a faint positive.  Are you f-ing kidding me??  I left my nurse a message (I didn’t tell her), then C and I ran a few errands and picked up more pregnancy tests.  I took two more when we got home – both also positive.  I can’t believe this, I am freaking out.  C’s reaction was more of “Oh crap!”  I knew what he meant, with our history with my eggs and when we were just about to start our donor cycle.

I got the call back from my nurse and just as she was about to launch into the meds schedule, I had to stop her and tell her I think I am pregnant.  She was blown away and didn’t know what to say at first.  This was the last thing she expected to hear.  She said, OK, let’s put this schedule off to the side and figure this out.  She told me to come up first thing Monday morning for a blood test, she knew there was no way my OB could get me in that quickly and usually they don’t get the urgency of the situation like the fertility clinic does.  So then I just had to sit and freak out until Monday morning.

I woke up early and headed to the clinic, I was in a good mood and feeling cautiously optimistic (and a little scared).  It took until mid-afternoon before the call came with the results, I was very anxious.  It was not good news.  My HGC was 20 and progesterone was 6, they want them to be at least 50 and 10-12.  Damn!  This is the worst they have ever been, it looks like this one is headed for a miscarriage, too.  I was so deflated and … pissed!  I can’t believe this!  Really?  Did I really need another miscarriage to convince me that donor eggs are our best choice?  No, I didn’t!  I was there, I was ready, I was excited.  We had taken a year off from fertility treatments and thought maybe we would get pregnant on our own again (and it would work) and it gave me the time to get used to the idea of using donor eggs; then right before we are to start the process I get pregnant?  It would be one thing if this was going to be a viable pregnancy, but it does not appear to be heading that way.  We finally had some hope again, we were looking forward and planning for the future and now that is all on hold again.  I just don’t understand.  It is so frustrating.  My therapist said the only word she could come up with was cruel, that feels about right.  Why does life have to be so cruel sometimes?

I am done venting.  I go back to the clinic on Thursday to see if things have improved, I am not holding my breath.  At least I have Hawaii to look forward to, although it feels there is a damper on that now.  Good night, all.

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Here we go again

So, the decision has been made and we are going with donor eggs.  I met with our RE and he said he has no problem with my eggs, he would use my eggs again if we want (we got 15 when we went through out first IVF with him and my hormone levels are all still good), but he had to admit that after three miscarriages our chances were much better with the donor eggs.  If money were no object, we would keep trying with my eggs, but this may be our last chance so we are going for our best shot.  Coming to this decision was not easy, but there were factors that made it the right decision for us.  I always knew I wanted to experience pregnancy, it was important to me.  My husband was a big factor in this decision as well, firstly he has heard too many adoption horror stories so he is set against it (I would have been open to it, but he just isn’t comfortable with it); secondly he is the last person on his mom’s side of the family and he has a half brother that we aren’t sure will ever have children, so it felt important to me to be able to carry his genetic line on.  Donor eggs it is.

The day after I met with Dr. S, we went back to meet with the donor coordinator, she was able to answer questions about the process and told us she had a donor in mind for us.  It was a lot of info to take in, so we went home to go through the donor list and sit with the decision.  That all happened on a Friday, by Sunday night we had narrowed it down to 3 and ranked them.  Then it all moved very quickly.  That Monday we found out our top choice had just gone through a cycle that had  resulted in a chemical pregnancy, that was enough to scare us off of her.  She was number one on my list with no one else close to her in my mind, so it was hard at first to let go of her.  Then I sat and really thought about what was important to me, the most important was having a baby, that made it easier to let her go and I realized our second choice donor was a great choice.  There was nothing about her that should have made her number two.  We let the clinic know our choice and scheduled the retrieval for the week of April 1st.  Now it was just a matter of getting the meds ordered and waiting for my period to come.    People told me that first step always takes the longest, then the rest comes so quickly.  So true!

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