Posts tagged infertility


Three years ago last month, C and I were married.  I was looking at one of our wedding pictures, it was one of the best days of my life.  The twists and turns our lives take are amazing.  Do you ever end up where you think you will?  I thought I would be married long before the age of 36, but so glad I waited for the right man.  I thought I would have figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up long before the age of 38, but I think I am finally getting that on track.  I always wanted to be a mom of three, now I feel like I will be lucky if I even get one.

I am not giving up on any of my dreams, but it is hard not to get discouraged from time to time.  For the most part I am doing better about the failed IVF, but there are days when it is tough.  Days when I feel very sorry for myself, days when I feel like we will never get to the next IVF, days when I think I will never be pregnant and days when I think maybe I am not meant to be a mom.  One of the things that scares me the most is how quickly time goes by.  From the time we found out IVF was our only option to the time we actually started the cycle was eight months; and before that, from the time we found out C had male fertility issues until he had the surgery that was supposed to help, a lot of time passed.  We get busy, life keeps moving at break-neck speeds, yet we are moving at a snail’s pace on the fertility path.  I am afraid six months will have gone by at the blink of an eye and we will be no closer to starting our next cycle than we are now.  I need to do a better job of staying on top of it so that doesn’t happen.

That leads me to my next topic, obsession!  In going through the cycle I became obsessed with our story and treatment, other’s stories and treatments, it was all IVF all the time!  This is completely understandable and I don’t regret focusing on it that much.  I think it is only natural, a baby is something you desire so greatly and when you have to work so hard to get the baby, of course you are going to give it that much attention.  I talked about it with C all the time; whether it was what was going on with us or relaying information from the blogs I was reading.  But over the last few weeks, I have moved my focus completely away from it.  I actually started this post three (almost four) weeks ago, it had been a particularly low day and I thought it would be good to get those feelings out.  I got stuck writing.  Periodically over the next few days I would come back to the post, but just didn’t have it in me to write.  I also didn’t have it in me to read others blogs, even though their experiences, words and support mean so much to me.  As more days passed, I found myself focusing less and less on the infertility and I started to feel better.  I don’t think I realized how much I needed to step away as much as I did.  I don’t think I gave myself enough time initially to heal and that is a necessary part of the grief.  Of course I still think about the IVF and our next steps, but it was nice to not be giving it 100% of my energy for a while.

So now, I am back and will work hard at finding a balance.  Please forgive my absence in both writing my own and responding to your blogs.  I hope I haven’t lost you, because I know I would not have gotten through this experience thus far without you and know I will value you as we move forward.  Please know that my lack of comments recently on your blogs in no way reflects how I feel about you and how much I still support you and wish you all the best.  Hoping to be welcomed back with open arms.



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Paying it forward

Egghunt nominated me for my first awards, thank you very much!   I cannot say enough about the support and comfort her comments and blog have provided me.  I admire her strength and perseverance to keep fighting to get what she wants, the ever elusive baby!  So many times I have felt comforted, validated and reassured after reading her blog or comments.  I am very thankful our paths have crossed on this journey.


Spreader of Love Award

The rules for this award are simple. Click below to read them:
I LOVE YOU=8 letters which gives you 8 rules :
1-  Thank the person who nominated you for this award and write a little bit about why you love them.
2-  Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3-  Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4-  Nominate no more than 17 people (why 17?) who you love or you think could use some love.
5-  Write one word (you can only use a word once) about what you love about their blog.
6-  You cannot nominate someone who has already been nominated-the love has to spread to all.
7-  Post links to the 17 blogs you nominate.
8-  Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

Over the Top blog award

Here are the rules:
1. You can only use one word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers.
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Survey
1. Where is your cell phone? good question
2. Your hair? brown
3. Your mother? supportive
4. Your father? serene
5. Your favorite food? pasta
6. Your dream last night? forgot
7. Your favorite drink? coke
8. Your dream/goal? children
9. What room are you in? living room
10. Your hobby? drawing, reading
11. Your fear? being unfulfilled
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? balancing interior design practice & motherhood
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? pregnant
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. Wish list item? baby
17. Where did you grow up? Minnesota
18. Last thing you did? walked dog
19. What are you wearing?  sweats
20. Your TV? new
21. Your pets? cat & dog
22. Friends? few, but good
23. Your life? floundering
24. Your mood? anxious
25. Missing someone? very much
26. Vehicle? Corolla
27. Something you’re not wearing? contacts
28. Your favorite store? urban nest
29. Your favorite color? Red
30. When was the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? today
32. Your best friend? fantastic
33. One place that I go to over and over? the airport
34. One person who e-mails me regularly? C
35. Favorite place to eat? Spiaggia

I have only been blogging a short time and there are only a handful of people I follow closely.  They have all received these awards, but I will nominate anyway because I love them!  These women have done more for me in the short time I have “known” them than I ever could have imagined.  I am so grateful we have discovered each other.

Egghunt who I mentioned above, but is worth another mention.  Her supportive words brought me back to the blogosphere after devastating news.

Myndi with a recent BFP – yea!  Her support and positive outlook have kept me going through a rough cycle.  Our cycles were neck and neck, it helped to have someone going through the same things at the same time.

Hope Springs who met her soulmate later in life, like me and is now struggling with fulfilling the dream of a large family.  I can relate so much to her experiences.  I love her heartfelt, honest posts.

Simple who just received some sad news, I am so sorry.  She tells it how it is and keeps me laughing.  A sense of humor is so important when going through something as big as infertility.

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Trying to get my life back

Spending the last seven weeks focused on the IVF cycle was like putting my life on hold.  Nothing else mattered.  Sure I was going through the motions and doing the things I was supposed to do, but my heart wasn’t in it.  I went to class, I met with my unemployed “support group”, I looked for a job, but 99% of my energy and thought went to the IVF.  So now that we are done with the first cycle and need to wait to start the second, it feels like everything is starting from scratch.  Time to refocus on finding a job (especially since we are going to have to pay for another cycle), refocus on class, refocus on taking care of the house.  It is amazing how much gets pushed down the priority list while you are in the throes of the infertility battle.

Overall, I am doing OK, but just OK.  I am still working my way through the grieving process and have my up days and down days.  I seem to mostly cry now when I am in the shower; maybe it is the being naked, looking down at my belly and knowing  there is nothing growing in there, feeling the skin itch on my backside as the injection sites are healing.  C has been great, I know this was very hard for him, too.  I think he is glad he has work to focus on.  We have spent some wonderful quality time together in the last week; it has made me appreciate how supportive and loving he is all that much more.

C and I usually go all out for Halloween, but this year we didn’t have it in us.  We put off the decision of whether to dress up and go out until we found out the results of the IVF.  As soon as it was a no I knew there was no way I would feel like being that social just four days later.  We stayed home, made some dinner and I had my first glass of wine in several months.  It was just what we needed, quiet time together.

In the ups and downs of this I go from crying and not wanting to do anything, to researching new clinics and options for next time.  We have made the decision to change clinics; while the nurses, u/s tech and doctor at our current clinic were all very nice, the process was lacking something for us.  I really wish we had done more research in choosing originally, but I was anxious to get started and didn’t realize there would be such a difference in treatments, protocols, “bedside manner” and success rates.  Now we have this first cycle under our belts and I know what questions to ask and know what kind of experience I want to have.  I hope that makes the difference in the final result of the second cycle.

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Maybe next time

As most of you have probably figured out by the delay in me posting, we got a negative result.  I am sitting between denial and despair right now.  I chose denial for most of the day yesterday.   I was so sure it had worked, even though I know the odds were against us.  We can’t afford to do it right away again, so I don’t know when our next attempt will be.  Dr. D called today to see how I was doing and say sorry.  I wanted to say, “How do you think I’m doing?”  (I guess there is a little anger mixed with the denial and despair, too.)  We need to schedule our wtf? appointment, but I can’t deal with that yet.

C went back to work today, which is a good distraction for him.  So that means I am alone; which is hard, but I really don’t want to see anyone, don’t want to talk to anyone.  The only person I want to be with right now is C.  Maybe in a few days I will be tired of being a hermit, but not right now.

I think I am going to take a little break from writing my blog, at least for a few days or a week.  I feel as though I need to not focus on my fertility since there is nothing I can do about it for right now.  Just because you don’t see any new posts or comments from me for a little while, does not mean that I am not following your blogs and sending each of you love and support.  I wouldn’t have made it through this part of the journey without you.   I thank you with all my heart!  I will be back soon.  Hugs to you all.

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First off, I would like to say a big congrats to Myndful on her BFP!!  I literally cried tears of joy for her, it is so exciting!  Still keeping my fingers crossed for you Hope Springs!

As my time draws near I am getting more and more anxious and nervous.  If I start to think about it, my stomach starts doing somersaults and climbing up into my throat.  I have convinced myself that I am pregnant.  Not because of any symptoms or signs, although it is impossible to ignore every little thing that my body is doing, but because I just can’t imagine that I am not.  Friends have told me they knew right away when they were pregnant, they could tell.  Well, I feel very normal, nothing feels that different for me, so does that mean I am not?  How could I possibly know?  I have never been pregnant before.  I think my over-analytical brain could lead to me going crazy with all of this.  So as to not further drive myself crazy, or drive any readers crazy, I am going to keep this very short and find something else to distract me until bedtime.  Please everyone send positive thoughts!  I so appreciate all of the support I have received from family, friends and especially my fellow IFer’s, being able to take this journey with others who have gone though it or are going through it has been such a blessing.  THANK YOU!!

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Making it through another day

*This post is all over the place!  Sorry about that, my rambling brain took over.

Today is two weeks since ER, it seems as though it has been an eternity.  I guess it is good that it seems so much longer ago than that, it must mean time is passing at a good pace.  I have something to do out of the house each day until test day, and plenty of little projects to keep me busy in the house.  This morning I had my class and when I got home C and I went to the fabric store (my 3rd time this week).  While there I try to avoid looking at the baby fabrics or fantasize about decorating a nursery, afraid it might jinx me.  I did buy some fabric with my mom that would go in the “nursery”, but it is a project that needs to be done whether the room becomes a nursery or not (that’s how I am justifying that purchase).  I hope that doesn’t come back to bite me!

I am running low on my PIO, I have really been hesitating on buying more.  I would hate to have a full bottle sitting there and end up not needing it because we get a BFN.   I had to buy some more syringes because those wouldn’t have lasted until test day.  But now I am thinking I may just barely make it to test day with the PIO, but not beyond.  If we get a BFP, then I will not have enough to keep going.  So tomorrow I will need to break down and order another bottle.  It should arrive the day of the test, I really hope I need it.

C and I talked about me POAS tonight.  I don’t want to do it, he agreed.  Am I curious, sure.  But I feel like I would not trust the result regardless of what it said, so it really would not be worth the extra stress it would cause me.  I get wanting to do it (good thing I don’t have any in the house, or I would probably end up doing it) and at this point in my cycle, the result would probably be more accurate, but I just can’t do it.  If we got a yes, I would be happy, but still feel like I wouldn’t trust it and would be more stressed for the blood test.  If we got a no, I would be devastated yet there would still be that glimmer of hope for the blood test.  Nope, gonna hold out.

I know I used the word hope a lot in my last post, it is the feeling that is most prevalent right now.  I think it is a good feeling to focus on.  If I start to go down a slightly negative path, C shushes me and reminds me to stay positive.  It is impossible not to go negative some of the time; if I am not open to the possibility that it may not work out as we want then I will be that much more devastated.  But for right now, I will hold on to the hope.

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Counting down the days with lots of hope

I have been away for a few days – keeping myself distracted.  Sorry there haven’t been any updates for several days.

My mom was here visiting since Monday, she left yesterday afternoon.  We made some wonderful dinners, bought a sewing machine – can’t wait to do some projects, and spent some quality time together.  It was great to have her here, it helped me take my mind off of everything.  Not that we didn’t talk about the IVF and the possibility of me being pregnant, of course we did!  But it wasn’t all we talked about.  Mom was great, carrying groceries for me (I felt bad I couldn’t help her with her luggage), she cooked and cleaned up afterwards, she even played fetch with the dog – she is not a dog person.  On Tuesday night we invited my neighbor and her almost 6 month old baby to dinner.  When we were starting the IVF process, I wanted to be around the baby all the time.  But since the transfer, I haven’t as much; I was probably worried that spending time with the baby would make it that much harder if we got a BFN.  But she is so adorable!!  I hope some good baby vibes rubbed off on the embryos that are hopefully growing inside me.

I have been feeling pretty good.  I can tell when I overdo it, I usually get some cramping at night.  I figure my body is still healing and that it means things are happening down there!  I have been having hot flashes, which are not fun, but go with the territory.  My appetite is definitely back.  Yesterday I was pretty crabby and emotional, I was also having what felt like very mild menstrual cramps.  This all made me even more emotional because that’s what I get like the week before my period.  It devastated me.  But C looked up that early pregnancy symptoms can be like early PMS symptoms.  I really, really hope that is what is going on.  I am trying to stay really positive about it.  It also helps that my mom laid her hands on my belly the day she left and said she could feel some good energy there.  I hope, I hope, I hope!

I can’t believe I made it to day 10 post transfer, when we were at day 5 I thought this 2ww was going to be endless.  But it is cruising along and the test is just around the corner.  Wow!

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