I’m Back – In a different place, yet still so much the same

It’s two years later, a lot of joy, a lot of pain, a lot of learning and a lot of growth.  I won’t go into great detail on what the last 2 years have held (you can check out my “About” page to get an idea of what has happened), but here’s a little (or a lot) about it.

We did change REs, it was a great decision.  Dr. S is great; he is a control freak, straight forward and positive.  His lab and operating rooms are all in house (not contracted out), he controls it all and as a result has a great success rate.  His nurses are fantastic, as well.  We have been working with them since early 2010 and have had successes and heartbreaks.  Our first IVF with him was in June 2010, it was our first positive pregnancy test ever.  Unfortunately it never made it past the gestational sac and yolk sac.  It was devastating and I chose to do a D&C because I could not imagine carrying it around with me any longer (a decision I later regretted).  We had 5 embryos to freeze and chose to do an FET in November 2010.  They had to go through 4 of the 5 embryos to get 2 to transfer – the doctor was not encouraged by this, but said the ones we had looked good.  It was another pregnancy with the same results as the first.  This time I chose to miscarry naturally because I could not bear another D&C, although neither choice is a pleasant one.  I ended up in the ER on a very early Sunday morning because I was bleeding so heavily.  For mental, physical and financial reasons we needed to take a little break.  We met with the doctor and he said if we wanted to do another IVF not to wait too long as our chances of success drop significantly after 40.  We also opened the possibility of using donor eggs, something I was not ready to consider.

I miscarried the second time in January 2011, and two months later we got pregnant naturally!  It was a miracle and I thought this one has got to be meant to be.  No such luck, and just like the first two we had the gestational sac with no fetal pole or fetus visible. So in May 2011, I went through my third miscarriage in 10 months.  That was the point my head knew donor eggs were our best choice, but my heart was not ready to deal with it.

We knew financially we would have to wait to go through the donor egg process, so I spent the rest of 2011 hoping to get pregnant naturally again and working on myself to get to a point of being comfortable with using donor eggs.  It was so hard to let go of the baby not being me.   I had been seeing a counselor since my first miscarriage and it helped a lot; it was a great support and good to have someone to vent to who was outside my circle of friends and family.  I had been going to meditation at a holistic fertility center before the second pregnancy, so I picked that up again and added their yoga class and some reiki to the mix.  All of these things have given me a sense of peace and I am in a much better place than I have been in a while.

As the new year started and we had not gotten pregnant again, I knew it was time to contact my RE’s clinic, I had not even told them that I had gotten pregnant on my own.  I was putting off calling them, because I was feeling like it was admitting defeat.  I would not have a baby with any of my genes.  This was very hard for me to come to terms with and I had been working on it for months.  The first week of January I called to make our appointment to go in and talk about the donor egg process.  It was amazing, this one small step took me from that place of feeling really bad about it to being excited and hopeful again.  The appointment was three weeks away, which felt like an eternity, but I had something to look forward to.  Here we go again!

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4 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    sonja said,

    You have been missed!! I am sorry you’ve had to endure so much, and I really hope things start to go your way TTC. I will be following along and supporting you. Welcome back!

  2. 3

    Hope Springs said,

    Welcome back! I’ve never stopped thinking of you and praying for you, and I’m so sorry you’ve had such a hard time.

    We too ended up giving up on the idea of having ‘our own’ baby, and I saw a fertility coach for about six months, who helped me get used to the idea of using a donor. I’m 30 weeks pregnant today with a donor embryo, and I can tell you that although I sometimes think about it (for instance, in terms of how odd it is that I have no clue from looking at my nephews and nieces what our baby will look like), my DH seems to have forgotten the lack of genetic link altogether. For instance, I was talking about my Spanish SIL and said something about this baby having no Spanish blood as far as we knew, and DH said, “Well, my mother could have had some Spanish ancestors – there was a lot of Spanish settlement in the part of Ireland she came from.”

    I’ll also be following and supporting you, and I’m so glad you’ve had the courage to take that step and make your appointment with the clinic.


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