Trying to get my life back

Spending the last seven weeks focused on the IVF cycle was like putting my life on hold.  Nothing else mattered.  Sure I was going through the motions and doing the things I was supposed to do, but my heart wasn’t in it.  I went to class, I met with my unemployed “support group”, I looked for a job, but 99% of my energy and thought went to the IVF.  So now that we are done with the first cycle and need to wait to start the second, it feels like everything is starting from scratch.  Time to refocus on finding a job (especially since we are going to have to pay for another cycle), refocus on class, refocus on taking care of the house.  It is amazing how much gets pushed down the priority list while you are in the throes of the infertility battle.

Overall, I am doing OK, but just OK.  I am still working my way through the grieving process and have my up days and down days.  I seem to mostly cry now when I am in the shower; maybe it is the being naked, looking down at my belly and knowing  there is nothing growing in there, feeling the skin itch on my backside as the injection sites are healing.  C has been great, I know this was very hard for him, too.  I think he is glad he has work to focus on.  We have spent some wonderful quality time together in the last week; it has made me appreciate how supportive and loving he is all that much more.

C and I usually go all out for Halloween, but this year we didn’t have it in us.  We put off the decision of whether to dress up and go out until we found out the results of the IVF.  As soon as it was a no I knew there was no way I would feel like being that social just four days later.  We stayed home, made some dinner and I had my first glass of wine in several months.  It was just what we needed, quiet time together.

In the ups and downs of this I go from crying and not wanting to do anything, to researching new clinics and options for next time.  We have made the decision to change clinics; while the nurses, u/s tech and doctor at our current clinic were all very nice, the process was lacking something for us.  I really wish we had done more research in choosing originally, but I was anxious to get started and didn’t realize there would be such a difference in treatments, protocols, “bedside manner” and success rates.  Now we have this first cycle under our belts and I know what questions to ask and know what kind of experience I want to have.  I hope that makes the difference in the final result of the second cycle.


2 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    egghunt said,

    I agree with you about the shower thing. Thats when I used to cry too (still do every now and then truth be told) and what you said about looking down at your naked body and knowing nothing is growing in there pretty much sums it up. I got a bit teary reading that part of your post actually, touched a raw spot that I guess never goes away.
    But the up side is that you are back here now and we can shower you with distractions as you try to plan your next IF move. A fresh start at a new clinic sounds like a really brave step – have you had a different clinic personally recommended to you? Just wondering how you decide one is better over the other without some inside knowledge.
    I hope each day gets easier for you, big hugs and welcome back.

    • 2

      Thanks for the welcome back. It is a comfort having someone understand what I have been going through, thank you.
      So far we have done internet research on different clinics, there are some reviews out there from previous patients, but we know they are not necessarily 100% reliable. The Center for Disease Control in the US has a published report that shows clinic success rates for different age groups and other statistics for IVF, the differences are amazing. For the clinic we used, in my age group the percentage of cycles resulting in live birth is 7.9%, at one of the new clinics we are considering it is 31.3%. We are also reaching out to people to see if they or anyone they know have experiences with the various clinics we are considering. Hopefully we will get some good information and can make an educated decision.
      Glad to be back!!

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