Archive for February, 2012

Life is an insufferable b*$#h!

In the midst of choosing our donor and getting the procedures scheduled, we started planning a trip to Hawaii.  We had planned to go later in the year, hopefully when I was in my second trimester.  My husband’s coworker, who also struggled with his wife to get pregnant, started telling him horror stories about traveling with a potential high risk pregnancy; their doctor told them not to do it.  So, that scared my husband into reconsidering the trip.  We figured it was take our chances, go now or don’t go at all.  We decided to go now.  We quickly booked flights and the hotel for three weeks from then, just before I would have to start my injections.  Yea!

That was a little more than two weeks ago.  Fast forward to last week, I was going back and forth with the clinic getting things organized and making sure the meds would get ordered so they were here when we got back.  My nurse sent me an email last Friday saying she had placed the order and we should touch base on Sunday – I was very excited.  Strangely, since my miscarriages my cycle has been very regular, 28 days, no matter what, so I was expecting my period on Sunday (Monday at the very latest).  I figured I would call my nurse on Sunday morning to let her know my cycle had started and talk about the medication schedule.  I woke up on Sunday without my period, a little strange since it usually comes first thing in the morning.  I was so impatient for it to start this time – so just to rule it out I took a home pregnancy test (I didn’t think I could be pregnant).  I got a faint positive.  Are you f-ing kidding me??  I left my nurse a message (I didn’t tell her), then C and I ran a few errands and picked up more pregnancy tests.  I took two more when we got home – both also positive.  I can’t believe this, I am freaking out.  C’s reaction was more of “Oh crap!”  I knew what he meant, with our history with my eggs and when we were just about to start our donor cycle.

I got the call back from my nurse and just as she was about to launch into the meds schedule, I had to stop her and tell her I think I am pregnant.  She was blown away and didn’t know what to say at first.  This was the last thing she expected to hear.  She said, OK, let’s put this schedule off to the side and figure this out.  She told me to come up first thing Monday morning for a blood test, she knew there was no way my OB could get me in that quickly and usually they don’t get the urgency of the situation like the fertility clinic does.  So then I just had to sit and freak out until Monday morning.

I woke up early and headed to the clinic, I was in a good mood and feeling cautiously optimistic (and a little scared).  It took until mid-afternoon before the call came with the results, I was very anxious.  It was not good news.  My HGC was 20 and progesterone was 6, they want them to be at least 50 and 10-12.  Damn!  This is the worst they have ever been, it looks like this one is headed for a miscarriage, too.  I was so deflated and … pissed!  I can’t believe this!  Really?  Did I really need another miscarriage to convince me that donor eggs are our best choice?  No, I didn’t!  I was there, I was ready, I was excited.  We had taken a year off from fertility treatments and thought maybe we would get pregnant on our own again (and it would work) and it gave me the time to get used to the idea of using donor eggs; then right before we are to start the process I get pregnant?  It would be one thing if this was going to be a viable pregnancy, but it does not appear to be heading that way.  We finally had some hope again, we were looking forward and planning for the future and now that is all on hold again.  I just don’t understand.  It is so frustrating.  My therapist said the only word she could come up with was cruel, that feels about right.  Why does life have to be so cruel sometimes?

I am done venting.  I go back to the clinic on Thursday to see if things have improved, I am not holding my breath.  At least I have Hawaii to look forward to, although it feels there is a damper on that now.  Good night, all.


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Here we go again

So, the decision has been made and we are going with donor eggs.  I met with our RE and he said he has no problem with my eggs, he would use my eggs again if we want (we got 15 when we went through out first IVF with him and my hormone levels are all still good), but he had to admit that after three miscarriages our chances were much better with the donor eggs.  If money were no object, we would keep trying with my eggs, but this may be our last chance so we are going for our best shot.  Coming to this decision was not easy, but there were factors that made it the right decision for us.  I always knew I wanted to experience pregnancy, it was important to me.  My husband was a big factor in this decision as well, firstly he has heard too many adoption horror stories so he is set against it (I would have been open to it, but he just isn’t comfortable with it); secondly he is the last person on his mom’s side of the family and he has a half brother that we aren’t sure will ever have children, so it felt important to me to be able to carry his genetic line on.  Donor eggs it is.

The day after I met with Dr. S, we went back to meet with the donor coordinator, she was able to answer questions about the process and told us she had a donor in mind for us.  It was a lot of info to take in, so we went home to go through the donor list and sit with the decision.  That all happened on a Friday, by Sunday night we had narrowed it down to 3 and ranked them.  Then it all moved very quickly.  That Monday we found out our top choice had just gone through a cycle that had  resulted in a chemical pregnancy, that was enough to scare us off of her.  She was number one on my list with no one else close to her in my mind, so it was hard at first to let go of her.  Then I sat and really thought about what was important to me, the most important was having a baby, that made it easier to let her go and I realized our second choice donor was a great choice.  There was nothing about her that should have made her number two.  We let the clinic know our choice and scheduled the retrieval for the week of April 1st.  Now it was just a matter of getting the meds ordered and waiting for my period to come.    People told me that first step always takes the longest, then the rest comes so quickly.  So true!

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I’m Back – In a different place, yet still so much the same

It’s two years later, a lot of joy, a lot of pain, a lot of learning and a lot of growth.  I won’t go into great detail on what the last 2 years have held (you can check out my “About” page to get an idea of what has happened), but here’s a little (or a lot) about it.

We did change REs, it was a great decision.  Dr. S is great; he is a control freak, straight forward and positive.  His lab and operating rooms are all in house (not contracted out), he controls it all and as a result has a great success rate.  His nurses are fantastic, as well.  We have been working with them since early 2010 and have had successes and heartbreaks.  Our first IVF with him was in June 2010, it was our first positive pregnancy test ever.  Unfortunately it never made it past the gestational sac and yolk sac.  It was devastating and I chose to do a D&C because I could not imagine carrying it around with me any longer (a decision I later regretted).  We had 5 embryos to freeze and chose to do an FET in November 2010.  They had to go through 4 of the 5 embryos to get 2 to transfer – the doctor was not encouraged by this, but said the ones we had looked good.  It was another pregnancy with the same results as the first.  This time I chose to miscarry naturally because I could not bear another D&C, although neither choice is a pleasant one.  I ended up in the ER on a very early Sunday morning because I was bleeding so heavily.  For mental, physical and financial reasons we needed to take a little break.  We met with the doctor and he said if we wanted to do another IVF not to wait too long as our chances of success drop significantly after 40.  We also opened the possibility of using donor eggs, something I was not ready to consider.

I miscarried the second time in January 2011, and two months later we got pregnant naturally!  It was a miracle and I thought this one has got to be meant to be.  No such luck, and just like the first two we had the gestational sac with no fetal pole or fetus visible. So in May 2011, I went through my third miscarriage in 10 months.  That was the point my head knew donor eggs were our best choice, but my heart was not ready to deal with it.

We knew financially we would have to wait to go through the donor egg process, so I spent the rest of 2011 hoping to get pregnant naturally again and working on myself to get to a point of being comfortable with using donor eggs.  It was so hard to let go of the baby not being me.   I had been seeing a counselor since my first miscarriage and it helped a lot; it was a great support and good to have someone to vent to who was outside my circle of friends and family.  I had been going to meditation at a holistic fertility center before the second pregnancy, so I picked that up again and added their yoga class and some reiki to the mix.  All of these things have given me a sense of peace and I am in a much better place than I have been in a while.

As the new year started and we had not gotten pregnant again, I knew it was time to contact my RE’s clinic, I had not even told them that I had gotten pregnant on my own.  I was putting off calling them, because I was feeling like it was admitting defeat.  I would not have a baby with any of my genes.  This was very hard for me to come to terms with and I had been working on it for months.  The first week of January I called to make our appointment to go in and talk about the donor egg process.  It was amazing, this one small step took me from that place of feeling really bad about it to being excited and hopeful again.  The appointment was three weeks away, which felt like an eternity, but I had something to look forward to.  Here we go again!

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