Archive for October, 2009

Maybe next time

As most of you have probably figured out by the delay in me posting, we got a negative result.  I am sitting between denial and despair right now.  I chose denial for most of the day yesterday.   I was so sure it had worked, even though I know the odds were against us.  We can’t afford to do it right away again, so I don’t know when our next attempt will be.  Dr. D called today to see how I was doing and say sorry.  I wanted to say, “How do you think I’m doing?”  (I guess there is a little anger mixed with the denial and despair, too.)  We need to schedule our wtf? appointment, but I can’t deal with that yet.

C went back to work today, which is a good distraction for him.  So that means I am alone; which is hard, but I really don’t want to see anyone, don’t want to talk to anyone.  The only person I want to be with right now is C.  Maybe in a few days I will be tired of being a hermit, but not right now.

I think I am going to take a little break from writing my blog, at least for a few days or a week.  I feel as though I need to not focus on my fertility since there is nothing I can do about it for right now.  Just because you don’t see any new posts or comments from me for a little while, does not mean that I am not following your blogs and sending each of you love and support.  I wouldn’t have made it through this part of the journey without you.   I thank you with all my heart!  I will be back soon.  Hugs to you all.


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First off, I would like to say a big congrats to Myndful on her BFP!!  I literally cried tears of joy for her, it is so exciting!  Still keeping my fingers crossed for you Hope Springs!

As my time draws near I am getting more and more anxious and nervous.  If I start to think about it, my stomach starts doing somersaults and climbing up into my throat.  I have convinced myself that I am pregnant.  Not because of any symptoms or signs, although it is impossible to ignore every little thing that my body is doing, but because I just can’t imagine that I am not.  Friends have told me they knew right away when they were pregnant, they could tell.  Well, I feel very normal, nothing feels that different for me, so does that mean I am not?  How could I possibly know?  I have never been pregnant before.  I think my over-analytical brain could lead to me going crazy with all of this.  So as to not further drive myself crazy, or drive any readers crazy, I am going to keep this very short and find something else to distract me until bedtime.  Please everyone send positive thoughts!  I so appreciate all of the support I have received from family, friends and especially my fellow IFer’s, being able to take this journey with others who have gone though it or are going through it has been such a blessing.  THANK YOU!!

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Making it through another day

*This post is all over the place!  Sorry about that, my rambling brain took over.

Today is two weeks since ER, it seems as though it has been an eternity.  I guess it is good that it seems so much longer ago than that, it must mean time is passing at a good pace.  I have something to do out of the house each day until test day, and plenty of little projects to keep me busy in the house.  This morning I had my class and when I got home C and I went to the fabric store (my 3rd time this week).  While there I try to avoid looking at the baby fabrics or fantasize about decorating a nursery, afraid it might jinx me.  I did buy some fabric with my mom that would go in the “nursery”, but it is a project that needs to be done whether the room becomes a nursery or not (that’s how I am justifying that purchase).  I hope that doesn’t come back to bite me!

I am running low on my PIO, I have really been hesitating on buying more.  I would hate to have a full bottle sitting there and end up not needing it because we get a BFN.   I had to buy some more syringes because those wouldn’t have lasted until test day.  But now I am thinking I may just barely make it to test day with the PIO, but not beyond.  If we get a BFP, then I will not have enough to keep going.  So tomorrow I will need to break down and order another bottle.  It should arrive the day of the test, I really hope I need it.

C and I talked about me POAS tonight.  I don’t want to do it, he agreed.  Am I curious, sure.  But I feel like I would not trust the result regardless of what it said, so it really would not be worth the extra stress it would cause me.  I get wanting to do it (good thing I don’t have any in the house, or I would probably end up doing it) and at this point in my cycle, the result would probably be more accurate, but I just can’t do it.  If we got a yes, I would be happy, but still feel like I wouldn’t trust it and would be more stressed for the blood test.  If we got a no, I would be devastated yet there would still be that glimmer of hope for the blood test.  Nope, gonna hold out.

I know I used the word hope a lot in my last post, it is the feeling that is most prevalent right now.  I think it is a good feeling to focus on.  If I start to go down a slightly negative path, C shushes me and reminds me to stay positive.  It is impossible not to go negative some of the time; if I am not open to the possibility that it may not work out as we want then I will be that much more devastated.  But for right now, I will hold on to the hope.

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Counting down the days with lots of hope

I have been away for a few days – keeping myself distracted.  Sorry there haven’t been any updates for several days.

My mom was here visiting since Monday, she left yesterday afternoon.  We made some wonderful dinners, bought a sewing machine – can’t wait to do some projects, and spent some quality time together.  It was great to have her here, it helped me take my mind off of everything.  Not that we didn’t talk about the IVF and the possibility of me being pregnant, of course we did!  But it wasn’t all we talked about.  Mom was great, carrying groceries for me (I felt bad I couldn’t help her with her luggage), she cooked and cleaned up afterwards, she even played fetch with the dog – she is not a dog person.  On Tuesday night we invited my neighbor and her almost 6 month old baby to dinner.  When we were starting the IVF process, I wanted to be around the baby all the time.  But since the transfer, I haven’t as much; I was probably worried that spending time with the baby would make it that much harder if we got a BFN.  But she is so adorable!!  I hope some good baby vibes rubbed off on the embryos that are hopefully growing inside me.

I have been feeling pretty good.  I can tell when I overdo it, I usually get some cramping at night.  I figure my body is still healing and that it means things are happening down there!  I have been having hot flashes, which are not fun, but go with the territory.  My appetite is definitely back.  Yesterday I was pretty crabby and emotional, I was also having what felt like very mild menstrual cramps.  This all made me even more emotional because that’s what I get like the week before my period.  It devastated me.  But C looked up that early pregnancy symptoms can be like early PMS symptoms.  I really, really hope that is what is going on.  I am trying to stay really positive about it.  It also helps that my mom laid her hands on my belly the day she left and said she could feel some good energy there.  I hope, I hope, I hope!

I can’t believe I made it to day 10 post transfer, when we were at day 5 I thought this 2ww was going to be endless.  But it is cruising along and the test is just around the corner.  Wow!

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The Longest Week

This has felt like the longest week.  It is not because I am impatiently waiting to find out if one (or more) of our tiny embryos have decided to make my uterus home for the next nine months or so, I have had plenty of distractions this week to keep my mind off of that.  It just seems like it has been an eternity since we went through the retrieval and transfer, rather than just a week.  This is only day five post transfer, feels like it should be at least eight or nine.  I hope the next week goes a little quicker, actually I think it will.

Life is returning to normal.  I am happy to report no H1N1 symptoms from C or I, what a relief.  He has been wheezing terribly over night though, which is part of why I am up at 5 AM on a Sunday morning.  He did some cleaning while I was at class yesterday (what a great guy!) and that usually triggers some allergies, I am sure that is all it is.  I did return to class yesterday, we got to do some drawing which I loved.  It felt like I had missed at least two or three classes, even though it was just one.  C returns to NYC this week, back to his normal schedule.  The puppy is back home, we missed her.  I think even the cat missed her; he was a little apprehensive this week when C and the dog disappeared, wondering if I was going to leave him too.  I am feeling more and more like myself, the painful twinges are fewer and further between.  Although this morning I have had several and  I had a dream that I got my period.  I woke up feeling like I was having some discharge and went to the bathroom half expecting to see some blood, there was nothing.  It would be a little to early for that to show up anyway, but you know how the paranoid mind works.

My mom is coming to visit this week, that will be a good distraction for a couple days.  She told me yesterday not to go to any trouble, usually I like to clean the house from top to bottom when we are having company; it’s not going to happen this time.  C did clean up in the bathrooms, we will vacuum, wash the bedding, but that will be the extent.  I told her I wasn’t going to do my usual clean and we will either need to eat out every meal or could do a minor grocery shop when she is here.  She said she would be happy to haul some groceries up our stairs for me, great!  I am not sure what else we will do while she is here, one plan is to go pick out a sewing machine for me.  I have some money from my birthday that I plan to use.  I have never owned a sewing machine and probably haven’t touched one in more than 15 years, but I am excited about it!

Speaking of my birthday, I have had some time to reflect while taking it easy this week.  I realized having the retrieval on my birthday was a great life lesson for becoming a parent.  I have always loved my birthday, I look forward to it every year, regardless of how old I am getting.  Not that I expect or plan a big celebration, but it is at least one day out of the year where I get to  feel special.  This year we (and everyone else) were so focused on the IVF that my birthday was an afterthought.  I am OK with that, this is a pretty important thing to be focused on.  It made me realize, if we are successful and become parents, this is what it will be like.  I no longer come first, the child/ren will always come first.  So I found it to be quite poetic that we would be having a major step in  starting our family on that day.  I look forward to many years of me no longer coming first.

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Cramps, Tears and H1N1…Oh My!

Life is definitely not boring!  Overall I have been feeling pretty good, a little better every day.  I am still having periodic cramping, they are twinges and mostly on my left side.  Yesterday I was an emotional wreck; I was riding the hormone roller coaster I think.  I would feel content one minute, a little sad the next and crying the next.  It was not an easy day.

I was able to take it easy all day yesterday and even took the dog to go meet C at the bus stop.  The dog (Miss G) was good for me and I think she could read that I was moving slowly for a reason, so no chasing squirrels for her.  When we got to our back door, I doubled over from a bad cramp and then walked very slowly up the stairs.  After seeing this, C made the executive decision that Miss G would be going to the kennel because C was leaving for NY in the morning.  I felt so bad that she had to go that I burst into tears the second they left (crying for the 4th or 5th time that day).  When C returned from dropping her off, he told me he had good news.  He had spoken to his boss on the way home and his boss told him, there was really no need for C to go to NY this week, it was more important for him to stay here with me.  That was great news!  But I felt bad that we had taken the dog to the kennel for nothing.  We decided we would pick her up Thursday night.  That was the end of Wednesday.

Thursday got very interesting!  C went to the office as usual, and called me about 9 AM.  He said he had something to tell me and wanted me to sit down. I had no idea what he was going to say, and wouldn’t have guessed in a million years what it ended up being.  Someone in his office was diagnosed with H1N1 yesterday; C had seen him yesterday and sat at the same desk this guy had been using.  Great!!  C has been exposed, we know it is very dangerous for me to be exposed right now.  What do we do?  We laughed and joked a lot about it, because no point in panicking and adding stress.  C put in a call to Nurse A at the fertility clinic and I called our family doctor.  Nurse A called back first, she said we should limit our physical contact and if C doesn’t exhibit any symptoms, don’t worry about it.  She also warned about having me vaccinated, she said they just don’t know enough of the effects of the vaccine on pregnant women to risk it.  Our family doctor called next; she is very direct, part of why I like her, and she knows all we have gone through to try to get pregnant.  She laughed and said “Get him out of the house!”  She said she is not worried about him, she is worried about me; under no circumstances can I risk getting sick.  She told me to watch for a fever, and C and I should spend a couple days apart.   The decision was made, C would get a hotel room downtown near his office, luckily he has enough reward points from his travels to cover the room.  He was supposed to be in NY anyway, so it will just be like he is there.  I guess there was a reason the dog was sent to the kennel last night!  I packed a bag of C’s stuff and drove it downtown; I got lucky enough to get stopped at a red light in front of his office so he just opened the car door, grabbed his bag and blew me a kiss good bye.  So now the cat and I are now sitting at home with no dog and no C.  What a strange day!

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Transfer Update

We have been home for about an hour from the hospital.  I love how you spend 2 1/2 hours at the hospital for a 15 minute procedure.   I have three teeny tiny little embryos in my uterus, hopefully at least one of them is starting to attach!  Of the six fertilized eggs, only three were viable embryos; one never split, two of them only split into two cells then stopped growing, and three that were somewhere between the four to eight cells they want at day three.  The three they implanted were four cells, five cells and six cells, all of them rated A.  Yea!!!!  While I am disappointed that we didn’t have any left to freeze, I am so excited that we had three A rated embryos to put in their new home!  It was kind of neat to watch the process, the only really uncomfortable part was having a full bladder and then the ultrasound wand (or whatever it is called) pushing down on that full bladder.  Otherwise it was not so bad, but I still couldn’t relax and could feel my leg trembling.   I was excited and nervous at the same time, this was it, now it is up to my body to do its work.  We have a photo of our tiny embryos in my uterus, all you can really see is the fluid around them, but it is still exciting.  When Dr. D asked if I wanted a picture, I wanted to ask her if anyone ever says no.  I am feeling pretty good, periodic cramping, but not severe.  I plan to lay around for the rest of the day and let C wait on me.  I can’t believe we made it here!!  It has been a good morning!

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