Life is an insufferable b*$#h!

In the midst of choosing our donor and getting the procedures scheduled, we started planning a trip to Hawaii.  We had planned to go later in the year, hopefully when I was in my second trimester.  My husband’s coworker, who also struggled with his wife to get pregnant, started telling him horror stories about traveling with a potential high risk pregnancy; their doctor told them not to do it.  So, that scared my husband into reconsidering the trip.  We figured it was take our chances, go now or don’t go at all.  We decided to go now.  We quickly booked flights and the hotel for three weeks from then, just before I would have to start my injections.  Yea!

That was a little more than two weeks ago.  Fast forward to last week, I was going back and forth with the clinic getting things organized and making sure the meds would get ordered so they were here when we got back.  My nurse sent me an email last Friday saying she had placed the order and we should touch base on Sunday – I was very excited.  Strangely, since my miscarriages my cycle has been very regular, 28 days, no matter what, so I was expecting my period on Sunday (Monday at the very latest).  I figured I would call my nurse on Sunday morning to let her know my cycle had started and talk about the medication schedule.  I woke up on Sunday without my period, a little strange since it usually comes first thing in the morning.  I was so impatient for it to start this time – so just to rule it out I took a home pregnancy test (I didn’t think I could be pregnant).  I got a faint positive.  Are you f-ing kidding me??  I left my nurse a message (I didn’t tell her), then C and I ran a few errands and picked up more pregnancy tests.  I took two more when we got home – both also positive.  I can’t believe this, I am freaking out.  C’s reaction was more of “Oh crap!”  I knew what he meant, with our history with my eggs and when we were just about to start our donor cycle.

I got the call back from my nurse and just as she was about to launch into the meds schedule, I had to stop her and tell her I think I am pregnant.  She was blown away and didn’t know what to say at first.  This was the last thing she expected to hear.  She said, OK, let’s put this schedule off to the side and figure this out.  She told me to come up first thing Monday morning for a blood test, she knew there was no way my OB could get me in that quickly and usually they don’t get the urgency of the situation like the fertility clinic does.  So then I just had to sit and freak out until Monday morning.

I woke up early and headed to the clinic, I was in a good mood and feeling cautiously optimistic (and a little scared).  It took until mid-afternoon before the call came with the results, I was very anxious.  It was not good news.  My HGC was 20 and progesterone was 6, they want them to be at least 50 and 10-12.  Damn!  This is the worst they have ever been, it looks like this one is headed for a miscarriage, too.  I was so deflated and … pissed!  I can’t believe this!  Really?  Did I really need another miscarriage to convince me that donor eggs are our best choice?  No, I didn’t!  I was there, I was ready, I was excited.  We had taken a year off from fertility treatments and thought maybe we would get pregnant on our own again (and it would work) and it gave me the time to get used to the idea of using donor eggs; then right before we are to start the process I get pregnant?  It would be one thing if this was going to be a viable pregnancy, but it does not appear to be heading that way.  We finally had some hope again, we were looking forward and planning for the future and now that is all on hold again.  I just don’t understand.  It is so frustrating.  My therapist said the only word she could come up with was cruel, that feels about right.  Why does life have to be so cruel sometimes?

I am done venting.  I go back to the clinic on Thursday to see if things have improved, I am not holding my breath.  At least I have Hawaii to look forward to, although it feels there is a damper on that now.  Good night, all.

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2 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Hope Springs said,

    It really is cruel, especially with this timing. I’m so sorry you’ve got yet more uncertainty, and hope the uncertainty resolves itself one way or the other as quickly as possible, without adversely affecting the timing of anything else, like your trip to Hawaii or the donor treatment if it’s still needed. My thoughts and prayers are with you. x


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