Making it through another day

*This post is all over the place!  Sorry about that, my rambling brain took over.

Today is two weeks since ER, it seems as though it has been an eternity.  I guess it is good that it seems so much longer ago than that, it must mean time is passing at a good pace.  I have something to do out of the house each day until test day, and plenty of little projects to keep me busy in the house.  This morning I had my class and when I got home C and I went to the fabric store (my 3rd time this week).  While there I try to avoid looking at the baby fabrics or fantasize about decorating a nursery, afraid it might jinx me.  I did buy some fabric with my mom that would go in the “nursery”, but it is a project that needs to be done whether the room becomes a nursery or not (that’s how I am justifying that purchase).  I hope that doesn’t come back to bite me!

I am running low on my PIO, I have really been hesitating on buying more.  I would hate to have a full bottle sitting there and end up not needing it because we get a BFN.   I had to buy some more syringes because those wouldn’t have lasted until test day.  But now I am thinking I may just barely make it to test day with the PIO, but not beyond.  If we get a BFP, then I will not have enough to keep going.  So tomorrow I will need to break down and order another bottle.  It should arrive the day of the test, I really hope I need it.

C and I talked about me POAS tonight.  I don’t want to do it, he agreed.  Am I curious, sure.  But I feel like I would not trust the result regardless of what it said, so it really would not be worth the extra stress it would cause me.  I get wanting to do it (good thing I don’t have any in the house, or I would probably end up doing it) and at this point in my cycle, the result would probably be more accurate, but I just can’t do it.  If we got a yes, I would be happy, but still feel like I wouldn’t trust it and would be more stressed for the blood test.  If we got a no, I would be devastated yet there would still be that glimmer of hope for the blood test.  Nope, gonna hold out.

I know I used the word hope a lot in my last post, it is the feeling that is most prevalent right now.  I think it is a good feeling to focus on.  If I start to go down a slightly negative path, C shushes me and reminds me to stay positive.  It is impossible not to go negative some of the time; if I am not open to the possibility that it may not work out as we want then I will be that much more devastated.  But for right now, I will hold on to the hope.


7 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    egghunt said,

    You know what… I understand what you mean about not wanting to be too positive as you want to prepare yourself if it is a negative result, but… I honestly think that if your result is negative (and I’m sure yours won’t be!) then nothing actually helps prepare you for it. I am the queen of being pessamistic and never once have I looked back after my negative result and said “oh I’m so pleased that I behaved that way, it really helped me deal with this crappy result”. So what I’m trying to say is… let yourself be positive if you can and don’t worry about preparing yourself for a BFN as if that were to happen you’ll realise that its pretty hard to be prepared for that no matter how hard you try. I hope i’m making sense. All you can do is live each minute as it comes and try not to look forwards or backwards just yet. 🙂 hugs

  2. 3

    ML said,

    Holding FULL OUT HOPE for you! Staying present is incredibly difficult, isn’t it?

  3. 4

    myndful said,

    Hope is never a bad thing. It’s wonderful that you’re able to stay hopeful and even-keeled during the wait. You have entirely more patience than I. 🙂

  4. 6

    Hope Springs said,

    Well done on keeping busy, sane and hopeful – I’ve got three strikes on those at the moment, but remain hopeful for you.

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